


Policy of Truth

by thisisatrick



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent Series - Veronica Roth, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dauntless Faction, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Divergent, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sapnap centric, eventual happy ending maybe idk yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29017668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisatrick/pseuds/thisisatrick
Summary: "Lying to protect yourself lasts for so long before the truth emerges. Like a wild animal, the truth is too powerful to remain caged." - Candor ManifestoLies are not a safety net. Even in a whole other faction that values anything but the truth, Sapnap learns that in the most brutal way possible.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mentions of abuse, death, and suicide  
> divergent series au because i hyperfixate on divervent and mcyt rip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." - Brené Brown

Pandas. We learned about them in biology when I was about twelve and I never managed to get the idea of big, furry, happy bears in forests, munching bamboo, out of my head. I've never seen bamboo and I don't think it exists in the city I live in. It's walled off from the dangers outside, so I have no idea if bamboo even exists anymore at all. 

Sometimes, I wish I could be as carefree as a panda. My friends all say I'm like one; goofy, snuggly, loveable, soft, and a little squishy, but "backwards," which is their way of affectionately calling me stupid. Jokingly, of course. My marks in school say otherwise, but I do act pretty damn stupid. So, I earned the name Sapnap. My mom calls me "Pandas." Called me Pandas. Past tense. 

My mother is dead from an apparent suicide. I always knew she was depressed because she never bothered to hide her tears or hide her medication from me and my sister. She never bothered to hide anything because we're Candor, and hiding your pain is dishonest. Part of being Candor is being genuine, and there's nothing genuine about hiding your scars or your emotions. My father has always said that the best way to be honest is to strive to be genuine, and really, he isn't wrong, is he? But, if that's the case, why did my sister kill herself with my mother? My sister was never depressed. Then again, she was only fourteen, and that isn't enough time to develop real honesty and transparency. There are so many things that I'll never understand, with another being that my other sister and younger brother were found shot and killed when they were both ten. The court blamed it on a legal dispute my father had gotten wrapped up in. After they passed, my mother and father got rid of the animals and dragged me and my, at the time, remaining sister down the hole with them. 

I think about their deaths a lot and how they never seemed to make any sense. Sometimes, I wish people knew that I had such intricate thoughts. I wish that people knew that I think about life and death so much. I've realized that I display myself as a loud, big mouthed Candor kid who happens to do well in school and talks out in class, but I wish I was more than that. I wish I wasn't just... Candor. Sometimes, when I'm in social settings with the members of my faction, I can see myself and my loud mouth aging into adulthood as a member of Candor, engaging in hot-headed arguments that make me laugh. Stupid, fun little arguments that're just a part of the lifestyle here. But, it's times like now, in bed before I get up in the morning, where I reflect on whether or not I really belong here. Luckily, my thoughts are interrupted by a knock on my bedroom door. My dad. At least it's a distraction. 

"Hey, Nick. You awake? Big day today."  
Then he's gone. 

I was never close to my father, but when my mom and sister died two years ago, after the death of my other two siblings, we drifted more. He's a prestigious lawyer who never had time for the family to begin with, but now, he's rarely home. When he's here, he's usually angry with me for something I did, or something he thinks I did. However, he insisted on staying for breakfast with me before the day of the aptitude test, where I learn what faction I belong with. Supposedly. 

I drag myself out of bed with a small groan, sighing heavily. My body is sore. My father was angry last night, but he's always intoxicated when he's angry, so I don't think he really means it. At least, that's what I try to think. Thinking that maybe it's just the alcohol and that I never see him sober, so he can never be nice to me brings me comfort, so I go with it. 

Dragging myself out of bed proves to be easier than expected. I change out of my pajamas and into a pair of dark black jeans, black dress shoes, a loose fitting black dress shirt, and a black dress jacket. I tick my shirt in in front of the mirror, not staring too long. I wonder if the members of the selfless faction, the Abnegation, ever long to look at themselves, to catch a glimpse of their rapidly changing features, to see the adults they're growing into. I hate the way I look, so I never stare too long. Maybe I'd fit into Abnegation. 

After washing my face, brushing my teeth, and combing my hair, I make my way and sit in one of the four chairs at our kitchen table. My dad and I live in a very nice penthose apartment in Candor headquarters, since my dad is such an important figure in our faction. I usually do the cooking and the cleaning, but this morning, my father is behind the stove. After a few minutes, he places a breakfast of oatmeal, fruit, and honey in a bowl in front of me, with toast and coffee to the side. I sip the coffee and almost start crying, but I refuse to cry. This is exactly how my mom used to make me my breakfast. 

"Thanks," I say, smiling at him a bit before i start spooning the oatmeal into my mouth. My voice cracked when I spoke, in the goofy way that always made my mom laugh. My dad just smiles back and butters his toast absentmindedly. 

"Big day today. Tomorrow, too. Care to eat together again tomorrow morning?" My father asks.  
I nod and reply, "Sure." 

A few more silent moments pass, the sounds of the knife scraping the toast, the crunch of the toast, and my oatmeal slurping filling the kitchen. Again, my father breaks the silence. 

"Nick, why don't you call me dad? Pops? Father? Why don't you address me?"  
My reply? "I don't know. I guess I'm just scared. Sorry dad." 

If he was drunk or angry, he'd hit me, but instead, he finishes off his toast and what little of his coffee he has left and stands, smiling slightly. "Well, Nick. Good luck today. Whatever you do, be as honest as you can during that test. Don't hide." 

He isn't acting like himself. Does he think I'm going to leave him, so he's trying to be extra nice? 

"Thanks, dad."  
He grabs his briefcase from beside the door, and he's gone.

As I stand in the elevator going down to the main floor of Candor headquarters, I think about a lot of things. I think about the test and how I know don't belong in Candor. Sure, I'm honest and can detect body language like everyone else, but I can't exactly see myself living out a life of brutal, unforgiving honesty either. That isn't me, but what is me? What am I? Who am I? Maybe I should've thought about what faction I should aim to choose, or if I should choose based on my results in the first place. I guess I'll have to think about that after I get through the test. 

My thoughts are interrupted as a beaming, familiar face greets me about halfway to the main floor. My best friend, Zak, greets me in a tight hug. I call him Skeppy, mostly because he used to skip everywhere as a child, and my youngest sister's old pet rabbit was already called Skippy. The name stuck, and now we're known as Sapnap and Skeppy, the loud Candor bastards with the stupid nicknames. 

"Man, I'm glad to see you. I've been so worked up over this test stuff," I sigh, shaking his head as he leans against the elevator door.  
"Same. What're you choosing tomorrow?" He asks.  
"Dunno. What if we chose Dauntless like we wanted to do as kids?" I laugh.  
"Deal," Skeppy replies with that smile that I've always associated with the safety of my best friend. 

That had always been the plan. Skeppy and I had always thought it'd be a great idea to join Dauntless and guard the fence, patrol the streets, or something else that seemed cool when we were kids. 

I think my decision has finally been made. 

Skeppy doesn't know my father beats me. He just knows we aren't close. His family encourages him to live a full, honest life, even if that isn't in Candor, so leaving won't be an issue for either of us. 

I give him a fistbump as we exit the elevator and make our way through the crowded compound to the bus stop. The bus arrives within five minutes of us waiting, as it isually does, and we're off to school. An Abnegation lady and her young son offer give us both their seats, but I let the kid keep sitting. He looks like he's only five, and the poor kid seems to be sleepy from being up so early. 

As soon as we get off the bus, Skeppy and I pause to watch the Dauntless jump from one of the trains that never stops moving; their mode of transportation. 

"One more day, Skep. One more day," I mumble, in awe of these total strangers doing a simple everyday ritual that's seemingly ordinary to them. I think it's wonderful, how brave the Dauntless are. It must be nice to feel so free, to live to be brave. 

Skeppy and I walk through the crowded hallways until we have to part ways. I give him a small salute, which he returns with another one of those smiles of his. 

As I walk to class, now seperated from Skeppy, a pale Erudite boy runs in front of me and I slam into him. His books go flying and an Abnegation boy in grey clothes rushes over to help him. The Erudite boy is about my height and quickly takes his books from the Abnegation kid. "Thanks, Stiff. Sorry, Candor." 

The Erudite has a funny voice and the Abnegation boy hurries away without saying a word. I thought Erudites were supposed to do more to Abnegation kids than call them "Stiff," but maybe he doesn't belong in Erudite and is transfering tomorrow. I don't know. 

I sit through my environmental science class taught by an Erudite woman with nice tits, cracking up with the other Candor around me, getting scolded by the titty lady in the process. I forget about being the scared kid my father wants me to be, and I become... me. Sapnap. Pandas. Not Nick... the real me. The me that could, perhaps, belong in Candor, debating about the weather in the middle pf class during instructional hour. But, I don't belong here, trapped in this body-language-reading-ass hell hole. I'll never belong here, which is why I'll be gone very soon. 

After our shortened classes are over, I begin the walk to the cafeteria where I'll await to be tested. Skeppy will go long before me, but maybe I'll have him there to cut up with before my test, to hopefully ease my nerves, seeing as my last name starts with an S. Stavros. I'll be waiting for a long time, unfortunately. I'll have a long time to think. 

Where the hell do I belong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeahh


	2. Liberation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "TRUTH  
> MAKES  
> US  
> INEXTRICABLE."  
> \- Candor Manifesto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: there's psychical abuse in this chapter but i didn't get too descriptive. 
> 
> ==========
> 
> it's blocked off like this if you wish to skip. it isn't too important to the plot.
> 
> ==========

Once I enter the cafeteria, I walk over to a group of other Candor and begin to strike up conversation, which soon turns into a lively debate about whether or not the peaceful Amity should use more Erudite-developed pesticides, or more traditional pesticides. It's a pretty dumb debate, but we all end up laughing and I'm able to throw in a few smart remarks in, here and there. Everyone's seemingly happy by the end of the debate, which we end by shaking hands and slapping each other on the back. 

Shortly after, the table starts to dwindle in numbers as more people are called in for aptitude testing. However, I'm not alone for long, because Skeppy sits next to me and smiles.   
"Hey, Sap. How've you been?" He asks.  
"Hm, just tired," I shrug. "How was your test?"   
"Great, actually. My results weren't suprising," Skeppy replies. I must look worried, because he jumps in to reassure me immediately. "Hey, don't worry! We're choosing together still."  
"Good. I don't know what I'd do without you, bud." 

After a few more grueling minutes, it's finally my turn to be tested.   
"Nicolas Stavros," an automated voice calls, signaling me into the hallway towards a testing room. Rather than going immediately, I hesitate for a moment. I've always been a bit worried about actually choosing my faction, but testing never seemed to phase me much until this very moment. Why on earth do I feel so terrified? It was as if the voice announcing my name set something off inside of me, something that screamed at me to be anxious or overwhelmed. It almost felt as though I was in danger. 

However, after fist bumping my seemingly worried best friend, I make my way down the hall outside of the cafeteria, then to my assigned testing room. I attempt to erase Skeppy's worried expression from my mind, focusing on the task at hand. I enter the room, seeing as a trash can props the door open, and the smell pf sterile chemicals hits my nose, making it scrunch up. Is this the test that'll advise me to choose my life path wisely, or is it a routine checkup with the pediatrician? The stench of chemicals suggests the latter. The room is covered in fancy, high tech equipment, some of which is beeping at me menacingly. Theres a chair in the center of the room with a tray on a table attatched to it, a water-like fluid resting on the tray in what looks like a shot glass. Simulation serum. There's a light above the worn leather chair, and suddenly, I just feel like I'm at the dentist. Suddenly, someone speaks up. 

"Well, hello there, you must be Nicolas," a voice behind me speaks. I whip around and see a Dauntless man, pretty young, with glasses and hair that looks like it's growing back from being shaved. He sounds extremely friendly and slmost seems to be shy, which throws me off. Aren't the Dauntless supposed to be menacing and blunt, maybe just carefree?   
I reply, "Yup. Nicolas Stavros."   
"Nice to meet you. You can call me Bad," he smiles. Bad's cute, but in the same way my old cat was cute.   
"Who calls their kid 'Bad'?" I say, apparently a bit snappish, because Bad frowns.   
"It was a nickname I got during initiation. Anyways... have a seat for me," He replies, his smile fading. Damn. 

I sit down as instructed, but the silence doesn't last long. Damn, I was rude, and I should probably apologize.   
"Sorry Bad. I didn't mean to be mean. Guess I'm not used to having a filter."   
His smile returns. "Don't worry 'bout it, muffin."   
Aw. 

Bad turns to the computer, typing away and entering a few passwords, likely to access the test. The silence feels weird and ominous, just the clacking of the keyboard, so I decide to strike up conversation. Besides, I'll be joining Bad's faction tomorrow, so it only feels right to start making friends now. Or, at least be on good terms with someone from Dauntless. 

"Aren't the Abnegation supposed to test us? Something about them being selfless and unbiased?" I ask. Bad shrugs.   
"There weren't enough volunteers, which is weird from Abnegation. So, they had people with technology experience test people this year to fill in the gaps, and one of the fill-ins happened to be me," Bad explains in his cheerful voice. He's so full of life. Are all Dauntless like this?   
"Cool. I like computers, too," I reply, earning a smile from Bad. 

It doesn't take long before Bad is done preparing my test on the computer. In moments, a low buzz fills the small room, the machines coming to life. They aren't clunky old gadgets that run terribly, but they certainly can be heard. "Here, drink this," Bad says, giving me the small glass. "What's it taste like?" I ask with a small smirk. Bad just shakes his head with a laugh as I down the liquid. The last thing I hear is Bad saying, "You'll do great, muffin."

Once I come to my senses, I look around and find myself in the school cafeteria again, but it's empty. Well, the simulation version of the school cafeteria. Am I supposed to be able to differentiate the two? Whatever. The only difference between the real room and the one I'm seemingly in now is the three small pillars in front of me: one contains a knife, one has bread, and the other has a book. A woman'a voice echoes throughout the room: "Choose." 

"Uh... why?" I ask. I look at the knife and my nose scrunches up. I don't really wanna kill anyone, even though it's not real. Bread seems pointless, as there's nothing I can do with it, and I probably know everything in that book.   
"Choose," she repeats.   
"Yeah, no."   
"Suit yourself." 

The landscape shifts and I'm now in an open forest, although I've never seen one this vast. There's a forest near Amity's compound, but it's nowhere near this vast. I begin to walk around, taking in the scenery and observing my surroundings. Well, this is boring and pointless. However, as I listen closer, I start to hear screams, and they're coming from a child. I turn in the direction of the blood-curdling screams and run as fast as I can. Even if this is all in my head, the last thing I want to do is let a kid get hurt. 

I stop running once I see a child on the ground, pinned down by a wild wolf who looks like it's about to maul the kid. "Hey!" I scream, not even really thinking it through. In that moment, I'm no longer a priority because this kid is going to die if I don't do something. The wolf looks up at me and snarls, barking viciously. I look into it's eyes, thinking back to the book I read ages ago that talked about predatory behaviours of animals. If you look a wolf or any dog in the eyes, you're the alpha, and you're a threat. If I do this, I should be safe. Without breaking eye contact, I yell, "Go on! Go! Leave him alone!" 

Maybe that was stupid, because the wolf breaks into a sprint and is headed straight for me. Without thinking, I jump at it and pin it to the ground, holding it down by its neck. The creature yelps and cries, barking up at me desperately, as if it's begging to live. Behind me, I hear small cries, and I release the wolf so I can see what's going on. It scurries off. Good. 

I look back and see the small boy, who I rescued, in tears. Without skipping a beat, I hurry over and wrap an arm around him. "Hey bud, you okay?"   
"Y-Y... you hurt... you hurt it. W-Were you gonna k-kill the puppy...?" He mumbles. I look away.   
"W-Well, uh... yeah, kid. I was. He hurt you," I say, not wanting to lie to the poor thing.   
"Y-You're terrible! W-Why would you do that?!" The kid screams.  
"Hey, hey. Sh. It's okay. The puppy ran off, see? And we're both safe. Win-win, yeah? Nobody's hurt, and the big wolf is strong enough to save himself. I'm sure he's gotten in fights with other wolves, over territory, food, and cute wolf girls. They do that," I say with a grin, nudging the kids shoulder.  
The kid smiles and nods, and the simulation fades away. 

I sit up, expecting to be greeted with what I assume is Bad's signature smile, but he stares blankly at the screen with a look of shock. He looks like he might cry. Did the simulation make him upset? He seems pretty soft for a Dauntless, so I don't doubt that seeing the kid upset rubbed him the wrong way. 

"Hey Bad, are-"   
"Nicolas, what did you think you got for your results?" He asks.   
"Isn't the test supposed to tell me that?'" I ask, raising an eyebrow.   
Bad spins in his chair, now facing me, and gets closer to me. "Listen to me. Please. Your results were inconclusive, meaning you show aptitude for more than one faction. They call it Divergent, and you will never survive if anyone finds out. That's why you knew it wasn't real. You, Nicolas, show substantial aptitude for every faction. Your distaste towards the knife and murder? Making peace with the boy? Amity. Attacking the dog and standing up for yourself? Dauntless. Saving the boy without ANY thought for yourself? Abnegation. Your honesty with the boy, even though he was upset? Candor. Your knowledge of the dog's behaviors? Erudite. Nicolas, this is terrible. You cannot tell anyone. Please trust me," He frantically explains in a hushed tone. I just nod. My gut tells me to trust him, and I have no choice, really.   
"O-Okay."   
"I can't help you. Just remember: tomorrow, you need to choose wisely. Safely. You show more aptitude for Dauntless than anything else, so that's what I'm entering your results as manually. I want you to go straight home and PLEASE think things through for me. You need to consider everything and act normal or you will not be safe. Okay?"   
I nod.   
"And remember: trust no one."  
I nod again.  
Once he's done talking about my impending doom, as though the conversation never happened, Bad cheerfully tells me, "Okay, muffin! You're free to go!"  
"Thanks. Have a good day."   
Who the hell calls someone muffin, anyway? 

I exit the room and go straight to the cafeteria to find Skeppy. Truthfully, I don't know whether or not I should lie if he asks about my test. Can I trust him? Bad says I can't, but who do I trust more, a kind stranger who basically said I'd die if I revealed my results, or my long-time best friend? Even if I did lie, Skeppy would know because Candor are trained to read body language, starting from the time we're kids. Detecting lies is a part of keeping our faction so honest, and even your friends will call you out on your lies. But, since I didn't ask Skeppy about his results in detail, maybe he won't ask about mine too much. 

Skeppy waits by the entrance to the cafeteria, presumably for me. I walk up to him with a smile. God, it's so hard to lie, but detecting lies makes you good at hiding them.   
"Hey," I say.   
"Hey Sap. How'd it go?" He asks.  
"Eh..." I shrug, blinking a few times.   
"Sapnap. Blinking. You're lying to me, and you said "eh." What happened?" Skeppy asks.   
I sigh a bit. "Nothing. It isn't about my results, my adrenaline is just pumping." Not entirely a lie.   
"Ohhh, okay. That makes sense."   
It's so easy to keep lies hidden and fluffed up. Maybe I really don't belong in Candor. 

We strike up casual conversation as we walk to the bus stop, but the early ride home is pretty quiet. Skeppy and I usually talk a lot, but I feel like we're both pretty tired, so neither of us say too much. Skeppy's never this tired, so I don't really know why. Maune the test just stressed him out, and I start to think: I wonder if his results were inconclusive, too. What if my best friend is Divergent, whatever it means, like me, and we will never be able to talk about it? The thought hurts me, so I try not to think about it. 

Once we get to the Candor building, nicknamed the Merciless Mart after it's former name, the Merchandise Mart, Skeppy goes to see his mom at work and I head up to my apartment. I open the door, expecting an empty house as usual, but instead, my dad sits on the sofa. Why's he home so early?  
"Hello, Nicolas. Come sit," he says, patting the spot beside him on the couch. I reluctantly sit and avoid his gaze. No matter how big my personality is, I always feel so small and vulnerable inside of the walls of our apartment. His apartment. It doesn't even feel like my home, even though I'm here the most. It's almost like there's a hierarchy between us; he's the alpha male and I'm the punching bag. Usually, if someone causes a fight with me, I'd swing back, but I just let my father go for it when it comes to him. There's nothing I can do, because he always wins. So I sit, and I eye the vodka bottle beside him. It's half empty and that worries me. 

"Nicolas, what did I teach you about honesty and the truth?"   
"That it'll set me free."   
"And?" He sounds agitated.   
I freeze.   
"That... that it... w... that we'd be nowhere without honesty," I stammer.   
"Good. So, what were your results?"   
If anyone will kill me for my Divergence, it's my father. Suddenly, lying becomes so easy and so natural, and I regain my confidence.  
"You aren't supposed to ask me that, but since you're my dad, I tested Dauntless," I shrug, my body relaxing.   
"And what will you be choosing tomorrow?" He snaps. There's an edge to his tone, which always happens before he loses it. But I don't care.  
I don't care.  
"Dauntless, to get away from you."   
That's all it takes. 

========== 

My father's hand collides with my cheek swiftly, so swiftly that I hear a whooshing sound before the impact. I don't care. Another smack. I don't care. He picks me up and throws me to the ground and I allow him to, because I don't care. I don't even care when he kicks me in the stomach, in the back, in the leg, in the groin, or anywhere else. I just take it, but I start crying without realizing it, and my body starts to shake. He climbs on top of me and gets a few hits in; on my face, my neck, wherever. But I don't care. This is the last time I will ever be beneath him, hearing him yell and scream at me as I panic in a heap on the floor, crying out for my mother. This is the last time I'll be able to smell the wretched stench of alcohol on his breath ever again. He will never hurt me ever again. The two years of abuse ends tonight. 

Once he's done, he storms off to bed, and I drag myself up. 

The last time. 

========== 

That night, once I'm stripped of my clothes and waiting for the shower to heat up, I observe the marks on my body in the bathroom mirror. A few new bruises, but there's nothing I can't hide with clothes. But, what about initiation? What if I have to change in front of other initiates and they ask about the bruises? I guess I'll say I'm clumsy, or maybe I'll say I hurt myself jumping on a train. Lies are becoming interwoven with my life even more than before, and I'm beginning to understand why I don't belong in this faction anymore. 

The end of the Candor manifesto reads:  
"TRUTH  
MAKES  
US  
INEXTRICABLE."   
I've told so many lies at this point, and I think I've finally told enough to rip myself away from the values of this faction. I can't pretend much longer.

I scrub my body and my tear stained cheeks, mindlessly daydreaming about my life as a Dauntless member. Maybe I'll guard the fence, or do something with computers, like Bad. Maybe I'll do city patrol. Who knows, maybe I'll do good in initiation and become a Dauntless leader. For once, my future holds so much more than surviving another beating and hiding the trauma my father has caused from the world. I haven't even chosen my faction yet, and I already feel liberated. 

My nighttime routine is simple as always; dry off, put lotion on (yeah, I'm a guy who wears lotion, deal with it), get dressed, moisturize my face, brush my hair, and brush my teeth. Nothing fancy. I like to keep it simple. 

That night, I crawl into bed, sore as always, the weird taste of the painkiller I take to relieve the pain my father causes still in my mouth, but I fall asleep with something I haven't felt in awhile: hope. Freedom. Joy. Tomorrow, I escape, and I will soon become my own person, free from the pain I've gone through for what feels like forever. The real me who's always cracking jokes and laughing at stupid shit will soon come out again, and he'll stay out. I won't have to put up a front or fake how I feel because I won't have a reason to. Divergent or not, I will be brave, and I will be Dauntless. No matter what, I'll free myself. I have to. 

It's my only choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please feel free to comment and give me feedback. i'd appreciate it sm :))


	3. Finally Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am finally free  
> I've broken through the chains  
> I have no fear, I'm wide awake  
> You can't take this away  
> I'm finally free (Wide awake)."  
> \- Finally Free by Sitched Up Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise chapters are gonna get longer! i'm just really pushing updates rn

The same old routine.  
One more time.  
But this time, I feel ten times more free and ten times happier. As I get out of bed, I feel so much more rejuvenated; so rejuvenated that I hardly take notice to the ache in my body from last night. Hell, I'm not even upset about last night because it was the last time he'd ever hurt me. Once I'm done getting ready, I walk out into the kitchen and look around, expecting to see my dad at the table. I breathe a sigh of relief when I don't see him anywhere. I wasn't looking forward to eating with him again, so I'm really glad he isn't here. Instead of making breakfast, I grab a banana and walk out of the apartment, and I don't look back. 

I never wanna look back. 

I enter the elevator and press the button of the floor that Skeppy lives on. I figured I'd stop by to say hey, or at least meet him earlier than usual. Once the elevator reaches his floor of the compound, I step out and walk in the direction towards his apartment. Sure enough, I find him half way, but he looks a bit upset.  
"Hey, man, what's wrong?" I ask. He nods for me to follow him and we keep walking to the elevator.  
"My parents... they cried when they hugged me goodbye. They have to work so they can't go with me to the ceremony and-" God. I don't think I've never seen Skeppy cry at all. I stop walking suddenly, right before we reach the elevator, and yank him into a hug before he can keep walking. It's not our usual one-armed hug, but a full embrace that I rarely give to anyone.  
"Skeppy... hey. They'll get over it, they'll be okay. They're Candor, man. All they want is for you to live an honest life. You'll see them on visiting days and youll make new friends. And hey, you have me, okay? Besides... faction before blood, I guess," I say, still holding him in a tight embrace. I've never been too affectionate, but it feels right to hug my friend.  
"Y-Yeah. Just gotta make them proud," He replies.  
I smile and let go, and we continue to the elevator. 

Leaving the compound with my best friend, for the very last time, feels so strange. Since we were six years old, we've gone out these doors together as members of Candor. Today, we leave as eighteen year old adults, on our way to choose the faction we'll build our lives in. It's a very scary thing, but I'll soon be Dauntless, so that means that I need to start being brave. No more hiding in the shadows; today's the day. 

The bus ride to the Hub, or the Sears Tower as it was formerly called, is very long because the excitement is building between the both of us. Skeppy and I decided to get there early, mostly so we can watch the Dauntless arrive and watch other factions walk in. I've always liked watching people enter the ceremony, mostly because I've always been curious about other ways of life. Maybe that's the Erudite in me, meaning it's a trait I should try to suppress. Thinking about my aptitude results makes me remember Bad's warning, and I think of something suddenly. We learned about other faction initiations in school, and stage two of Dauntless initiation requires you to enter many simulations that expose you to your fears and build your mental strength. If I can tell that the simulations are fake because I'm Divergent, won't they be able to tell? What if that gets me killed? I guess I'll have to stop myself from doing that. 

Skeppy and I sit on a bench outside of the Hub, which is a giant skyscraper near the center of the city. It's used for faction meetings and government purposes, so it's controlled by the Abnegation. The selfless faction governs the city as a whole because they're too selfless to make selfish decisions that would hurt anyone. As much as I think that representation of all factions is neccessary, I think that Abnegation does a good job of governing us. If only one group is gonna control us, I trust the Abnegation with my life. 

Skeppy and I strike up a conversation about our soon-to-be new faction, which is mostly us getting excited about it and daydreaming about our new life ahead of us. Our conversation reaches the ears of an Erudite boy sitting next to us. As soon as he speaks, I recognize him as the Erudite boy I bumped into yesterday. That seems like so long ago.  
"I'm choosing Dauntless too," He says, a smile tugging at his lips.  
"Oh, really? Nice. My name's Sapnap, and you are?" I reply, holding out a hand for him to shake. He takes it, shaking it a bit.  
"George. Pleasure to meet you," George replies.  
George and I have a pleasant conversation, which Skeppy stays quiet throughout. We talk about politics, books, our faction choice, what we plan to do in life, and we crack a few jokes, until George has to head in to sit with his parents. Erudite is hosting the Choosing Ceremony this year, so they all have to be sat first. 

"Sap, why do you always insist on talking to people outside of our faction? That's wrong, y'know," Skeppy sighs.  
"Skep, he's literally choosing Dauntless today. Chill," I reply.  
"Whatever. Just be careful." 

Shortly after, we hear the thundering of the train and the squeal of the brakes as it slows slightly to allow the Dauntless to jump off of the train. I observe how alive they look; some look serious, some are laughing, some fall over but stand up and laugh it off, and others just look as normal as they would after brushing their teeth. It's a magical thing that I can't wait to be a part of. 

Soon, Skeppy and I join the crowd of people filing into the ceremony. He gives me a fist bump when he goes to find his parents, so I'm on my own. As I walk, I look around at all of the different people I see, but I neglect to pay attention to anyone in my immediate surroundings. My ignorance causes me to bump into a very tall Dauntless man in front of me.  
"Shit, dude, I'm sorry. You okay?" I ask. After getting a glimpse up at him, my heart sinks. I recognize him; he's a leader of the Dauntless. I see him when my dad forces me to go to council meetings.  
He glares down at me slightly before sighing and shrugging. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm not gonna eat you," He says before walking off.  
Thank fucking god. Imagine if I'd started beef with the faction leader before I even chose Dauntless. 

In a few minutes, the 18 year olds who'll be choosing today begin lining up beside the platform in the middle of the seating areas, in reverse alphabetical order. I'll be one of the first people to choose, which startles me slightly. I hate being the first to do anything and I hate being the center of attention, but I guess I'll have to be brave. I have to be Dauntless, and that'll be hard. At least Candor to Dauntless transfers are very common; then, I won't stand out AS much. 

I glace around at the others around me. People hug family members, whether hugging them goodbye or hugging their child for the last time before they merge into adulthood. My father won't be saying goodbye, I'm sure of it, and that doesn't bother me because I can't wait to get away from him. 

Well, I thought I was sure of it, because he walks up to me and envelops me in a tight hug that I almost think is friendly. Loving. Maybe we can be a normal father and a normal son, even if just for a few moments... maybe. However, he whispers in my ear, almost growling, "Choose wisely, or they'll know." What the fuck will they know? Who's they? What the fuck is he talking about? Does he know I'm Divergent? My father releases me and walks away.  
No.  
I will not choose Candor.  
I will choose Dauntless. I will be brave. I will prove him wrong... I'll prove him so fucking wrong.  
I won't give in. 

The ceremony is being hosted by Erudite this year, so the introduction speech is given by the leader of the Erudite, Wilbur Soot. Though he's young, Wilbur is quite possibly the smartest person in our city. At age 24, he leads the intelligent faction and oversees all research, education, and technological advancements in our cities. Wilbur is sharp as a tack, and from what rumors I hear, extremely manipulative. This doesn't surprise me; the Erudite aren't really the best people. Also, Wilbur's fucking tall. Freakishly tall. 

Wilbur's speech is simple; it's the same thing every year. We have the factions to instill a sense of belonging, Amity is peaceful, Erudite is intelligent, Dauntless is brave, Abnegation is selfless, and Candor is honest. Blah blah blah. Much to my father's annoyance, I've always tuned this part of the speech out because really, I don't care. It's nothing I didn't learn in school. 

However, Wilbur is required to throw in something original in his speech, so I listen to that, seeing as it doesn't bore me. "And remember, the city is driven by innovation. We are driven and shaped by the need to advance, and we advance by our faction system. We advance through belonging and intelligence alone. Remember that," He says with an almost sinister, sweet smile, which is mildly unsettling. Oh well. Erudites are a bit weird. 

Soon after, the ceremony begins. The chooser is handed a knife, cuts their palm, and then they drop their blood into the bowl of the faction they choose. The Dauntless bowl has hot coals, the Erudite bowl has water, the Candor bowl has broken glass, the Amity bowl has soil, and the Abnegation bowl has smooth, grey stones. Dropping your blood into the bowl is supposed to symbolize "faction before blood," which I think is kinda near. I think of my blood sizzling in the Dauntless coals and I feel a spark ignite in my chest. 

Nothing suprising happens in the ceremony at first; an Amity girl chooses Amity and goes off to be embraced by her family. An Erudite boy chooses Abnegation, which earns scoffs from the Erudite, as those factions have beef like a motherfucker. The predictable cycle continues, until it's my turn. Wilbur announces, "Stavros, Nicolas" and I freeze up before walking up the stairs, almost tripping, before taking the knife from Wilbur, who gives me a small smile, but it seems very forced. My hands are shaking and my body feels so tense, as if I'm about to panic. My palms sweat so much that it stings extra bad when I dig the knife into my palm. I draw a shaky breath before I quickly dump the droplets into the coals without missing a beat. 

My blood sizzles and the Dauntless cheer.  
I am brave.  
I am bold.  
I am Dauntless.  
I am finally free. 

The rest of the ceremony is a blur. I hurry to join my new faction and I'm soon joined by someone who introduces himself as Schlatt, a Dauntless born. Soon, someone who calls himself Quackity because his name is allegedly stupid joins us too; he's a transfer from Erudite. Another Erudite, the funny voiced Erudite who sounds like Wilbur, the one I spoke to earlier, also joins us. The most surprising addition, perhaps, is the Abnegation boy who George, the Erudite, slammed into the other day. His name is Karl, and he's probably the nicest out of everyone. When it's Skeppy's turn to choose, I watch intently. 

He cuts his palm and slowly moves towards... the Amity bowl?  
What?  
Is he going to leave me?  
Panic fills my chest. How can I do this without him? What am I gonna do without him? What if I don't have anyone, what if nobody likes me, what if-  
Suddenly, he jerks his hand to the Dauntless bowl and his blood sizzles in the Dauntless coals as well. He joins us, and relief fills me, the anxiety washing away. I don't plan to ask him about that. 

As soon as the ceremony is over and Wilbur Soot dismisses us, the Dauntless file out of the room and begin running down the stairs, out of the Hub, and towards the train tracks. I'm not really in shape, but the adrenaline in my veins makes it easier to run. I am finally free, and I don't look back at the Hub to catch a glimpse of my past life. I take off the suit jacket that's too tight on me and throw it off to the side for it to be stepped on, but I think I see an Abnegation girl scurry off with it; probably a factionless donation, but I don't care. 

"Sap! We did it! Kind of!" Skeppy yells. I pull him into a tight hug, my smile brighter than ever.  
"Yeah buddy, we fuckin' did!"  
In a few moments, we were going to catch our first train as Dauntless initiates. 

Finally free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in like 5 days lolol. kudos/comments are always appreciated :D


	4. New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "WE BELIEVE  
> in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."  
> \- Dauntless Manifesto

The train screeches on the tracks as it gets closer to where we stand, just outside of the Hub. The trains don't stop, they just slow down while going through busy areas, so we have to jump onto it, like Skeppy and I have watched the Dauntless do for our whole lives. How the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm not exactly in shape because I never did anything but play football with my friends, seeing aa psychical activity was never really required in Candor. But, if I fail this, I fail initiation completely, without ever entering the Dauntless compound. So, I have to. It's my only choice. 

When the train gets close, I'm the first one to run after it, with Schlatt and Skeppy shortly behind me. I throw myself forwards, grip onto the side of the car, and I swing myself in. Almost everyone else that I've already spoken to makes it on easily; even George, who's noodle arms barely pulled him on. 

Except Karl. 

He's staggering behind slightly, and he looks worn. He keeps trying to reach for the train, but he can't quite reach; he's a few inches off. We're nearing a bridge that goes between buildings, so if he doesn't get on now, he won't get on at all. I hang out of the car and give him my arm, making eye contact in hopes he'll trust me.  
"Grab on! I've got you. Promise!" I shout over the wind.  
Reluctantly, Karl grabs my arm right before we reach the bridge. For a split second, he hangs over the edge of the bridge and I hoist him into the car, panting. I let him gran onto me to steady myself. A few feet back, an Amity girl staggers away from the tracks. I didn't have time to save her. 

"Th-Thanks, um... Sapnap? Right?" Karl pants.  
I nod. "Yup."  
"Ah, so... the supposedly Candor dickhead saved the Stiff. Is it opposite day or some shit?" Schlatt laughs a bit. I smile and shrug at the comment, and Karl laughs. George looks at Schlatt and scoffs.  
"Excuse me, but I don't think you should be joking about that. Aren't we all Dauntless now?" George snaps.  
"Woah, calm d-" I say, but I'm cut off by Schlatt.  
"Everyone laughed but you, genius!" Schlatt snaps. George goes to retaliate, but I get between them.  
"Alright, shut up and let's get ready to jump off this fucking train, okay?" I almost snap. The two of them seperate and Skeppy pulls me off to the side. 

"Sap, don't... don't get involved in any of this when you just chose Dauntless, okay? Just relax," He warns. I sigh and nod, patting his shoulder.  
"Thanks for being my voice of reason."  
"Anytime," Skeppy smiles. 

After a few more minutes that are filled with chatter, the train horn blows and the brakes scream, signaling that we're nearing the Dauntless compound. Without missing a beat, Schlatt and Quackity jump onto the roof of one of the buildings like it's a habit. Surprisingly, Karl follows, followed by George, and now it's just me, Skeppy, and another Candor transfer. I recognize her from my anthropology class. 

"Together?" I say. The others nod.  
"Okay. One, two... three!" I say, and the three of us jump onto the roof with agility I didn't know I had. Skeppy lands next to me and I look back for the girl, but instead I hear a scream and a thud.  
Holy shit.  
She hit the pavement.  
She died.  
Oh my god.  
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Skeppy squeezes my arm. "Sap. Breathe," he whispers to me.  
I breathe, and I let it go. I didn't know her anyway, and this is Dauntless. People die in this faction on a regular basis, and I just have to accept that now. Death is inevitable, especially here. I think everyone gets the same idea as me, because everyone just faces forward at the female in front of us. She stands at about 5'10" and wears a form fitting black shirt, black skinny jeans, and black combat boots. Her long, purple hair is pulled back into a long ponytail, which whips in the strong wind on top of the building. She has an aura of confidence that I'm almost intimidated by. She's my height, so she's tall for a woman, and she looks like she could crush me if she wanted to. That's not a hot or attractive thing, it's fucking scary. She couldn't crush me because she's fat (in fact, she's built well and nowhere near fat at all), but she's muscular and I can visibly see it. 

The first thing she says? "Oh."  
Oh?  
"Well then. There's only six of you this time? Only two Dauntless born? Well then," she shrugs. "Less to kill off."  
Kill off? Shit.  
"Anyways, hello everybody, my name is Minx, and I'll be overseeing some of your training. I lead the Dauntless, so that may not happen as much as I'd like it to. Enough bullshit though, you're all here because you believe in bravery above all else in every situation, so you are expected to perform ordinary acts of bravery. Bravery kills, but you have to take that risk, as you can probably tell by the girl on the concrete below you," Minx explains, almost laughing. Laughing. What the hell? 

"So, with that being said, you will be jumping into this hole behind me. Where it goes, I dunno, but you're all about to find out," Minx says, a smile creeping up on her face. "Any volunteers?"  
Silence.  
"Ahem?"  
Silence.  
"Fine. You. Stiff. You're first," she says, pointing to Karl. Oh no. 

Karl steps up out of the group, his hands balled into fists, probably to stop them from quivering. His breath hitches, and he sighs shakily.  
"Well? Step up," Minx says. Karl doesn't step up. She goes to grab his shirt, presumably to drag him to the ledge, but I speak before she can do anything.  
"Hey! Hey, I'll jump. I'll go first," I say, pushing my way through George and Skeppy. "Let him be. I'll go."  
"Well then. Be my guest, but the Stiff is going second," Minx smirks. Reluctantly, I step up to the ledge, my hair blowing in the wind. I'm a bit overdue for a haircut. 

I slide my suit jacket off, ball it up, and throw it so hard it flies off of the building. Good. It used to be my father's. As I look down into the seemingly endless pit, I draw in a deep breath and close my eyes. Before I can overthink it too much, I bend my knees slightly and jump, unintentionally flipping onto my back in the process. I gasp a bit as I fall, Minx's face disappearing as I fall down the hole. Soon, I hit a net and bounce up slightly before a pair of strong arms pull me out and help me to my feet. I look up slightly, and I'm face-to-face with the same Dauntless leader I bumped into at the Choosing Ceremony, which must have just been mere hours ago. Upon closer inspection, his skin is slightly tanned, his hair is a light dirty blonde, faint freckles dot his nose, and his pretty green eyes shine slightly, even in the dim lighting underground. He stands at about 6'3" or so, so I tilt my head up to meet his gaze. Holy shit, is this bastard from my dreams? 

"Hey there. Name?" He asks. I can tell he probably doesn't wanna be professional or strict, but he's probably obligated to be somewhat authoritative, despite his relaxed demeanor. Sometimes, I read body language without even realizing it. It's become a habit.  
"Sapnap," I say, without missing a beat. Nicolas, Nick, is in the past now. "How about yours?" Since when am I this confident?  
"Dream. Nice to meet you, pandas backwards with a d," Dream laughs slightly, but it comes out as a small wheeze.  
"Nice to meet you too, wet dream," I reply. His smile fades, and he grabs my arm slightly. I flinch; he just grabbed a bruise.  
"I will not take disrespect, initiate," he mumbles. I nod slightly, avoiding his gaze. What the hell was this exchange, and why did he snap so quick? 

"First jumper Sapnap!" Dream calls.  
A cheer comes from the crowd of Dauntless gathered at the net. I join the crowd, only to be greeted by none other than Bad. 

"Sapnap, huh? You never told me you had a nickname, muffin," Bad jokingly scoffs, shaking his head.  
"I didn't think to tell you! We weren't on a nickname basis," I laugh. Bad laughs too, but leans into my ear slightly. For a moment, I think he's going to say something about my aptitude results, but instead he mentions Dream.  
"Hey, so, I don't think anyone but me heard the exchange between you and Dream, but... be careful. He's a leader, as well as an initiate trainer, like me, so he'll oversee your training with me. Dream's nice when he opens up, but... you don't wanna, y'know... be on his bad side. Okay?" Bad explains in a whisper. I nod, and Bad pats the spot where Dream gripped my arm, very gently. I think he could tell it hurt. I make a mental note to try and avoid interacting like that with Dream. 

The second jumper is Karl, who screams slightly on the way down. Third is Schlatt, followed by Quackity, then Skeppy, and finally George, who's shaking by the time he walks over. He looks like he's about to cry, so I embrace him with the same side hug I give Skeppy. He must be afraid of heights, which is also a fear Skeppy's admitting to having, but Skeppy's so brave that it doesn't phase him. After we're all gathered at the bottom of the net, Minx jumps down too, but she gets out of the net without Dream's help.  
"I'll leave you to it," Minx smiles, exiting through a corridor to the right of the net, followed by the small crowd that watched us jump. The space is wide open, supported by a few concrete pillars, and is dimly illuminated by a few hanging lights here and there, as well as the sunlight from the hole we jumped through. It's eerie, but I like the change of scenery from the wood-accented office spaces of Candor already. 

"Hello everyone," Dream speaks. "I'm Dream, and I'll be one of your instructors, along with Bad," Bad waves, "and I'm also one of your Dauntless leaders. First and foremost, only a small percentage of Dauntless initiates pass even the first stage of initiation, but for some reason, there aren't many of you this go-round. So, be sure to try your damn hardest to pass. But, if you change your mind, you can always bail out," Dream shrugs. "Bad?" 

"Hm? Oh! Yes! Hi, I'm Bad, and I'll be one of your instructors for initiation. Dream's the tough one, so I get to be nice and watch all of you succeed, hopefully. Training is in three stages; stage one is physical, where you learn how to fight, throw knives, shoot a gun, that kinda thing. Stage two is mental, where you go through simulations to test those weird muffin heads of yours. Stage three is your fear landscape, which is the final test that'll determine if you belong here. I'm sure you all do! Any questions?" Bad finishes.  
"I like him. Bad? He's cool," Skeppy mumbles to me with a smile. "Yeah, he tested me," I mumble back. "He tested me too, he was really nice," George adds.  
"Hey! You three, over here," Dream gestures to us. "Hush. Schlatt was gonna ask a question. Don't act like kids."  
What is his problem? 

Schlatt looks confused. "What? I thought training was just physical and the landscape. The fuck is with the mental shit?"  
"It's to help build emotional and intellectual strength, within Dauntless standards of course, which is something we're lacking in our faction. It was suggested by the Erudite. Good question, Schlatt! Anyone else?" Bad says. George raises his hand.  
"Yes, George?"  
"When can we eat the cake?" George asks. The initiates laughs. Of course, he's talking about the famous Dauntless chocolate cake that everyone hears about, but I snort. "Damn George, you must really l-"  
"Sapnap!" Dream says. Unintentionally, I flinch pretty bad at Dream's tone, and I don't continue speaking. I notice Karl's concerned eyes drifting over to me and I pray to a God that I rarely worship that he doesn't ask questions. 

"Okay everyone!" Bad exclaims, probably trying to distract the group from Dream's outburst. "Time for the tour!" With that, he leads us down a different hall than what Minx went through, explaining the use for each hall we go through, pointing out key rooms and important places, with the directions towards the initiate dormitory being the most important. He also points out that if you kept going past the net, you'd reach the rest of the pit, then the Chasm. While Bad's speaking, Dream, who hung back a bit, leans into my ear.  
"Hey, Sapnap, I'm sorry if I uh... if I scared you. I wasn't trying to yell or anything. Just be quiet, okay?" Dream whispers, patting my back a bit. I nod slightly, and he moves back. Occasionally, Skeppy, George, and I laugh at something Bad says or does, but we don't ever cause too much of a scene. I think we've all subconsciously agreed to not make Dream's bad side come out. 

Karl talks with Schlatt and Quackity quietly as we continue walking. Karl's warming up really quickly, as opposed to how shy he was just minutes ago. It doesn't take much to get him out of his shell, and I admire that a lot. 

After Bad's shown us around the mundane parts of the Dauntless compound, he leads us to a big, open space with railless walkways going across it. There are many different shops that go up and down the walls, almost like a really tall shopping mall. Through the shop windows, I see places to purchase clothes, knives, guns, food, backpacks, art supplies, and a place to get tattoos. Upon looking up, I see a glass roof that lets a perfect amount of sunlight in. Aling the pit floor, there are many tables, most in which are occupied by Dauntless members playing poker or some other game, or maybe just talking. Jesus, this place is crazy. In Candor, you couldn't buy much more than dress clothes or law books, maybe a sketchbook and some colored pencils. Take it or leave it. 

"Welcome to the Pit!" Says Bad. "Here is where you'll spend most of your free time, spend your points given to you each month, and where you eat, if you choose to eat with your faction. As initiates, you have to eat in here, but once you live on your own, it's optional." 

Glancing around the Pit, I admire the chaos around me. To observe the Dauntless from afar is one thing, but to see their way of life up close is something else. People are talking loudly, sitting at tables while smoking, some people have alcohol in their hands, and others seem much more relaxed. The alcohol makes me uneasy, but to see so much personality in something other than a snarky Candor attitude is so amazing to me. Above us, children sprint around on the walkways without rails, which causes George to cringe. "Jesus, those damn kids are going to hurt themselves!" George says, sounding almost exasperated. Dream laughs slightly from behind us, causing George to roll his eyes and smile a bit. I feel a pang in my chest when Dream smiles back. Why do I feel a pang in my chest?  
Whatever. 

Bad ushers us along to the far right corner of the Pit, which leads to the Chasm, a wide, deep crack in the ground that has a river roaring over the rocks below. The water sprays my cheeks, and it isn't a bad feeling. 

"This is the Chasm," Bad says, loud enough for us to hear him. "Don't slip and fall in, or you'll definitely die." Nobody says anything, but I laugh slightly. 

Bad leads us out of the Chasm, through the rest of the Pit, and down another dimly lit, industrial looking hallway to a door that he opens. "Here's the initiate dorm! Bathrooms and showers have only minimal privacy, sorry about that, but you'll all get along well enough soon. It shouldn't be a problem. But, good news! The next hour and a half belongs to you! Explore the compound where you're allowed to, sleep, spend points, whatever, just be in the Pit and ready to eat by 5 pm." 

Then, Bad and Dream leave. Everyone disperses; Schlatt goes to the bathroom, Quackity claims a top bunk, Karl begins preparing his sheets for his bed, George looks around, and Skeppy remains by me. I silently think about how I'm supposed to explain the bruises when I change, but then I remember that I no longer have to be honest. I can lie my way through this now, thank fucking goodness. 

"Wanna go to the Pit? Sapnap, Skeppy?" George asks. "I need clothes. These suck." George wears blue slacks and a matching blue button up. I can keep the black jeans, but I need to ditch the dress shoes and my own button up, and Skeppy needs to do the same. So, we walk to the pit and go to the first clothing place we see, which is ran by a man with at least twenty piercings in his face. As we're buying the clothes and he's giving them to us, I ask about his eyebrow piercing. "Hey, your eyebrow... did it hurt?" 

He chuckles, then replies in a gruff voice, "Nope. Not at all. Highly recommend getting it." Is he being sarcastic? I can't tell. We thank him and leave, returning to the dormitory to change and get our bunks ready for the night. I share a bunk with Skeppy, who takes the top bunk since I'm so damn clumsy. That's how I explain the bruises when Karl, of all people, asks about them as I change out of my button-up and into a black hoodie. It fits loose on my arms and my torso, which I find to be s nice change from sharp-looking "buisness clothes," as they were commonly called in Candor. I exchange my dress shoes for a pair of black sneakers, which are so much more comfortable. I think about throwing my old clothes away, but I can't bring myself to do it, so I tuck them away into my small dresser beside my bed. 

After I'm done getting dressed, it's time to head to the Pit for dinner. We all sit at a table with the initiates, Dream, and Bad, but Minx awaits to make another speech. According to Schlatt, she doesn't really address the faction as a whole, unless she absolutely has to. Over a microphone, she calls for our attention. We look up to a ledge, and there she is, in her brutally hot and intimidating manner.  
"Hello everyone, and welcome to our initiates. Tomorrow, they begin their training to become Dauntless members, and there is only six of them this year. Wish them all luck; they'll need it. Thank you, and try not to get too hammered tonight," Minx finishes with a grin. 

As we begin eating, Karl eyes the hamburger in front of him strangely. "Karl, haven't you ever had a hamburger before?" George asks with a grin. "Uh... no? But, it's good," Karl shrugs. "What?! How've you never had one?" George asks. "Stiff's eat plain food, don't they?" I say. "Yeah, eating good shit is a sin, y'know?" Skeppy laughs. Karl smiles uneasily, but soon, he's beaming as he eats. He seems to be adjusting well. 

I don't ever talk much while I eat, seeing as dinner was a solitary activity for my last two years in Candor, so I let the others eat and I focus on eating. However, Dream, who sits to my left, strikes up a conversation soon.  
"So, Sapnap, why'd you choose Dauntless?" Dream asks.  
I shrug. "Aptitude results, and it's the faction that I think I'll succeed the most in."  
"Boring," Dream smiles. I roll my eyes a bit. To my surprise, he doesn't snap at my disrespect or anything, so I just leave it at that. I finish my dinner in silence, refusing any alcohol I'm offered, but I do accept chocolate cake and a really good lemon soda that the Erudite frequently gift to the Dauntless. George turns it down with a frown. It must remind him too much of home.

Later that night, after everyone's showered and gotten ready for bed, I'm just about to doze off when I hear faint cries coming from George's bunk. Without a second thought, I get up and walk over to him, tapping his shoulder gently. "Psst. George. Hey."  
"S-Sapnap, go away..." He mumbles.  
I give his shoulder a really gentle squeeze and I rub his back in the most friendly way possible. "Okay, man. But... tell me if you need anything, alright? I'm here for you," I whisper.  
"Thanks," George sniffles, but he sounds relieved. After that, I go to bed, ignoring the fact that I should be suppressing my aptitude for other factions. What even was that? Amity? Abnegation? Whatever. George needed help, and so I helped him. Isn't that what friends do? 

Oh well. I'm asleep before I can think about it too much, and besides, this new beginning is too good to dwell on shitty things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gahhh sorry for the weird updates. school is kicking my ass and so is writer's block. i've been writing for this, but i've been taking veronica roth's advice from the divergent bonus content and have writing stuff that i really want to write. i have a whole sapnap and dream love confession scene writen out and everything and i'm real excited to share in a few chapters. 
> 
> ramble over!
> 
> kudos, sweet comments, bookmarks, constructuve criticism, and ideas are always welcome! mwah <3


	5. Carry On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gravity, don't mean that much to me  
> Now I'm floating near the atmosphere  
> No shackles on my feet  
> And I know I may be already gone  
> Just promise you'll stay strong and carry on  
> Carry on."   
> \- Carry On by Falling In Reverse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/cw (i wasn't sure which to tag as): sapnap pukes in this chapter but the paragraph has a warning before it

When I awake in the morning, someones poking my shoulder, and someone's shaking me awake from the opposite side. In my groggy, gradually awakening state, I faintly hear George cooing at me to get up and Skeppy's laughter, and for the first time in years, I get out of bed refreshed and significantly less sore than usual. I grab the small cosmetic bag that has my toiletries in it and I make my way to the bathroom, setting it down on one of the sinks as I begin to wash my face. After I dry my face of with a hand towel I placed by the sink last night, I begin to rub the moisturizer into my skin, sighing softly. For some reason, I always seem to break out really bad around the transition from summer into fall. It is what it is. Apparently, this cream is supposed to help. 

"Damn, Sapnap," someone says from across the bathroom. Schlatt. "You've got a makeup bag AND a skincare routine. How gay are you?" He laughs. Is he joking? He's smiling but I still can't really tell exactly why he's smiling, so I look away and ignore his remarks, applying toothpaste to my toothbrush. I begin brushing my teeth, then my tongue, hoping he doesn't comment on my gag reflex. For the record, I'm definitely not gay, but I'm definitely not straight, either. But still, why is me trying to take care of myself in an organized way such a big deal? 

As Schlatt walks by me to exit the bathroom, he rolls his eyes a bit. "I was picking, smart-mouth. Loosen up, you aren't a Stiff." This time, I can tell he's joking and I allow myself to smile. I don't think Schlatt's all that bad because I came from a faction of blunt and oftentimes satirical assholes, but I have a feeling someone's going to have an issue with his mouth sooner or later... which is understandable, but again, I don't have an issue with him at all. I just hope he keeps his mouth closed. I like Schlatt and don't wanna see him get into any trouble with anyone. 

After finishing up my morning rituals, I go back to the dorm and sit on my bed to change. I change into a pair of black workout pants, "joggers" is what I was told they were called, as well as a black t-shirt that hangs loose over my body. The fading bruises on my arms show, but it doesn't matter. My cover story worked. I pull on the shoes I just bought, relieved at how much more comfortable they are than the stupid dress shoes I wore in Candor. I can actually comfortably walk in my new ones, which is a huge relief. George sits next to me, dressed in the same outfit that I am, but in a pair of stretchy jeans rather than workout pants. "Sapnap, aren't those pajamas?" George asks, pointing at my pants. I shrug. "Apparently not. I thought so too, but hey, they're comfy," I reply. George and I came from similar attire situations. Erudite dresses really nice, too. 

The room is alive with chatter, and we're soon joined on my bed by Skeppy, who tells us about how he just had to unclog the toilet already. However, the chatter silences whenever Dream enters the room from the main entrance to the dorm. Why's he hear so early? 

"G'morning," Dream says, his tiredness showing through in his voice. "Bad just wanted me to remind you all about breakfast. Says you all need to eat at least a muffin or two, or whatever. And, be in the training room at 8, please. " His eyes look so sleepy, as though they've been staring into a computer screen for hours. I had a computer back in Candor, so I know that look all too well. Without thinking, I ask, "Hey, Dream, what do you do as your main job?" I assume it has to do with computers, even though he's already said he's a Dauntless leader. 

Dream replies, "I'm a leader but I specialize in computers. Coding, security, aptitude testing, managing the databases of Dauntless members, that kinda thing. Why?"   
"You look like you stared at a screen all night, so I was just wondering," I reply.   
"Stop being so curious, Candor. Too early and wrong faction," He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Any more questions?" Dream asks in a mildly irritated tone. He sure isn't a morning person. Nobody replies, so Dream exits the room, seemingly dragging himself along. "Something crawled in his ass and died last night," Quackity says with a yawn. He must've just now awaken, and honestly, I forgot he existed for a second. Without mentioning Dream snapping at me again, George goes off to make his bed and Skeppy looks at the door Dream exited through for a moment. "I think he thinks you're cute," Skeppy says, sounding dead serious. I look at him, my jaw falling open slightly. "Uhhhhhh... what," I say, no question to my voice. The fuck? Where'd he get that from? "Sap, I see him staring at you. He treats you like a pest sometimes, but he tries too hard to not like you but then he goes and talks all nice to you right after. He can't be mean to you, even though he doesn't wanna get close to you, but he can't help it. Based on that, he thinks you're cute," Skeppy explains. I shake my head. "No, he just can't decide if he likes me or not," I say. Skeppy sighs and gets up to make his bed. "Man, maybe you should listen to me...." He mumbles. 

I know Dream doesn't think I'm cute; in fact, he probably hates me. Even if he thought I was cute, he's a leader and my instructor, so nothing would ever come of that attraction. I'd be lying if I said Dream wasn't cute, though. This sounds stupid, but I'd stare into those green eyes for hours, if I could. I guess I'll just admire from afar, even though I've known him for not even a day. Why the hell am I so obsessed with him without even realizing it? 

Once everyone is ready, the small group of initiates make our way to the Pit for breakfast. Again, we all sit together, but this time, I'm sitting by Karl and Dream and Skeppy sits beside George across from us. Dream seems a bit more awake, a can in his hand. He sips from it occasionally, and I can smell it. It isn't alcohol, but it smells strange. "What're you drinking?" I ask. "Energy drink. Want one?" Dream replies. I nod, accepting an unopened can from Dream, opening it and sipping from it. Not bad. 

As I eat my eggs, I don't talk until Karl does. "Did you sleep okay, Sapnap?" Karl asks. I nod. "Mhm, did you?" I ask. Karl nods too. "Yeah, after... y'know..." He says, looking a bit uncomfortable. I nod. I didn't really plan to bring up Karl's crying last night, especially not in front of Dream. It was brave for Karl to let me see him like that; at least, that's how I think. Not many people in Dauntless probably think that way, but I do, and I wouldn't wanna make Karl seem weak like that. 

Schlatt and Quackity seem invested in a conversation of their own, but I hear Schlatt's laughter and I see people listening give him weird looks, and I sigh softly. Knowing Schlatt, he's probably running his mouth again. 

Skeppy and George laugh in my direction and I sip from the drink Dream gave me, glaring at them. "What do you want?" I say, laughing slightly. "You look mad, Sapnap. You're just as crabby as Dream," George laughs along with Skeppy. Dream rolls his eyes and sighs, but starts laughing to. "You do look really cranky, Sapnap. Like a cranky little puppy or something," Dream wheezes, having to put his head down because he's laughing so hard. I sigh a bit and poke at my eggs. I thought I looked kind of cute today, but I guess not. I just give a half-assed laugh, shrugging. "Yup. I guess I am pretty cranky." 

"Sapnap, I think you look nice today," Karl says, quiet enough so that only I can hear. I smile in response. "Thank you, Karl. You look nice, too." 

After breakfast, whenever drink Dream gave me is making me jitter more than coffee ever did, but it's a very good jitter that I could get used to. We follow Dream and Bad, who joined us after breakfast, into the training room. We gather around a mat with punching bags beside it, and Dream stands up on a small platform beside the mat, even though he's already tall. 

"So, we'd normally start with firing a gun or knife throwing, but this go-round, we're starring with heavy physical exercise. This is to weed out the weak ones early on, although there aren't many of you anyway. I'll let Bad explain from here," Dream says, stepping down and allowing Bad to speak. "Good morning, muffins! Did we get enough to eat?" Bad asks. Everyone nods. "Good! Sorry for missing breakfast. I had to get some training things in order. Anyways! This morning, we're gonna start off with a run. Dream will lead, and I'll be in the back. If you fall behind me, we have a problem, but I'm sure you'll all keep up just fine! Anyways, go ahead and stretch, and then we'll begin running!" 

Truthfully, I don't really know how to stretch. The only one who starts stretching properly is Schlatt, a Dauntless born, so Bad leads us through various stretches while Dream paces back at forth. Once we're deemed as stretched enough. Dream leads us out the back doors of the training room and up a flight of stairs, exiting onto the pavement. "Follow me," Dream says, breaking into a slight jog. Karl follows first, then Schlatt, then Quackity, then Skeppy, then me, and finally George, with Bad following behind us. As we jog, I quickly realize just how little I was physically active in Candor. Of course, I had gym class and played football with my friends, but I never had to run for long. Speaking of run, Dream speeds up once we've been jogging for awhile, and everyone but Karl starts to fall behind. I have no idea how, but Karl seems to be very physically in shape. Maybe he trained to join Dauntless or something, or perhaps he's just a gifted runner. Is sporting self-indulgent? Do the Abnegation play sports? I'll have to ask. 

Pretty soon, Schlatt's lagging behind, and Karl and George are running up near Dream. Skeppy and I stay in the middle, and it gradually gets harder for me to pace my breathing. I start to wheeze and get light headed as we run and even George starts to fall back. Karl, Dream, and Bad are the only ones who aren't tired. Pretty soon, Schlatt stops running. "I need a break," He pants. Dream faces him. "A break? We're almost done," Dream says. "No. I need a break now. I've been in this faction longer than you, Dream, and I know how Dauntless do things. So, let me sit," Schlatt says in a dangerous tone, through his heavy breathing. "Schlatt, just chill, dude. We're all worn. Let's finish together," I say, trying to reason with him. Schlatt shoves my shoulders a bit and my jaw falls open. "Shut up, Candor, I'm fucking tired, okay?! Stop being a mediator or some shit and learn to think of yourself. Fucking bitch," Schlatt mumbles. He's just frustrated, so I don't take it personally, but Dream does. Bad looks on with a look of what seems like worry in his eyes, shaking his head. George and Skeppy have their mouths open slightly, Quackity stands by Schlatt, and Karl stands away from everyone. Dream's eyes are alive with what seems to be anger. "Alright. Follow me. We're taking a detour. The run's over anyway." 

Dream leads us back into the training room, then to the Pit, and over to the chasm. We stand on the bridge that crosses it, and Dream stands in the middle. "If you're so bold, Schlatt, then hang here for thirty seconds, or else we all collectively run five miles," Dream says, looking straight at Schlatt. Hesitantly, Schlatt walks out and pulls himself over the railing. I never thought I'd hear Schlatt scream, ever, but his foot slips and he grabs onto the railing as he screams higher pitched than I'd ever imagine him screaming. I step out slightly, as if I'm going to stand up for him, but Skeppy grabs my arm. "Sap. No. Let it be," Skeppy whispers. My fist clenches. Sure enough, Dream hauls a shaking Schlatt over the rails after thirty seconds, and the look of him damn near makes me wanna cry. There are tears streaming down Schlatt's cheeks and his whole body shakes violently as he limps back over. Karl hurries over to him and leads him away, letting him sit down away from the edge. Bad looks at Dream in shock, and Dream is pretty much void of any emotion. "Five minutes to revover. Five minutes," He says. 

After five minutes, Schlatt's done crying and Karl's done comforting. We walk into the training room and Dream stands on the podium. "Next up is fighting. You're going to learn basic kicks and punches today, then we're going to do a core workout. After that, training is over and you're free to go. There isn't anything planned for tonight, but after training tomorrow, we have an activity planned. Eyes on Bad, he's going to be demonstrating the different punches and kicks you'll need to learn," Dream explains, gesturing towards bad, who begins to demonstrate and explain what we need to know. I pay close attention to what Bad's teaching and showing us, so once we're told to pick a punching bag and practice, I'm pretty good with them. At least, I think I am. 

As I'm practicing some of the things Bad demonstrated on the punching bag, my hands get really sore, but I keep going. As good as I think I'm doing, Dream still stands behind me and I feel his skeptical gaze burn into the back of my skull. "Hold on. Stop. Your kicks are great, but you can't lean into your punches like that, okay?" Dream says. I nod. He gently, but still firmly, grabs my hips and twists me, then he reaches under my arms and pulls me up slightly. "There. Now try." Mildly shocked by how touchy Dream just got, I strike at the punching bag again, and he gives an approving nod and the faintest hint of a smile. "Nice. Keep it up and you'll have your opponent on the ground in three hits." And he walks away. I don't really like the idea of knocking someone out in three hits, but I sigh and continue practicing. After a few more minutes, Bad calls everyone to attention. "Okay everybody! We're ready to do the core workout. So, it's simple. You're going to get on the ground and hold your body up by tightening your core muscles and keeping your forearms on the ground. Your back should be straight. This is to strengthen core muscles, obviously! It's also an endurance test, which is the focus of today's training, obviously. Any questions?" Bad explains. Schlatt is the only one to ask something. "Do I have to do it for the full time? Since, y'know..." Schlatt says, seemingly shuddering after thinking about hanging from the railing over the Chasm. Before Dream can speak, Bad quickly replies. "Sorry, muffin. I know you're sore, but participation isn't optional," Bad shrugs. "Anyone else?"   
Silence.  
"Okay! Get into position."   
Everyone gets into position and the time starts. 

For the first thirty seconds or so, I have no difficulties keeping my body straight and parallel to the ground. However, once we hit the minute mark, my back begins to dip. "Oops, Sapnap. Back up," Bad says in a sort of 'warning' voice, which prompts me to fix my back. I swear I've been in this position for ten minutes by now, but according to Bad's time announcements, it's only been three. Looking around me, I see that Quackity is struggling slightly, Schlatt is shaking like a leaf, and Skeppy is having the same issues as me, but George and Karl are completely stable. Jesus. 

My back starts to dip again around the five minute mark as my body becomes wealee and weaker, and I swear I'm going to collapse. This time, it's Dream who says something. "Sapnap. Back," He says. I whine slightly and adjust my back, breathing heavily. Sweat drips down my forehead and onto the ground in front of me, but I keep going. After six minutes, Bad allows us to stop, and we all hit the ground with a thud. God, I'm glad that's over. 

Well. It isn't over. 

"Everybody up! Run number two," Dream says, immediately starting to run out of the training room exit. Everyone scrambles to their feet; even Schlatt gets up right away. I can see why. 

(vomit warning for this paragraph!)  
We continue out to our previous running route, but this time Dream starts off faster and I'm so much more exhausted. My whole body feels like it's going to dissolve into mush if I don't sit down, and I swear I can feel my heartbeat pound out of my chest. I don't know how long I've been running, but at some point, I stop because I feel a rising feeling in my chest. My mouth begins to water and I feel a rush of almost liquid make it's way back up. I bend over and, of course... I lose my breakfast all over the pavement as my shoulders heave. Somehow avoiding getting any vomit on my clothing, which is probably from crying so hard that I puked after shit with my dad. Once I'm done, I continue running to catch up to the group. I can't give up. "You okay, muffin?" Bad asks once I catch up. I just nod and focus ahead of me, trying to dial myself in and continue focusing. 

Once we're back in the training room, everyone's wheezing for breath and I swear I feel like I'm going to die. Once again, we gather around Dream, who seems worn out too. "Good work today. Remember, don't ever talk back again and maybe you won't have these issues. Tonight belongs to you. Tomorrow, be back here at the same time as today for firearm training. Have a great day," He says, and we're dismissed. Everyone drags themselves towards the door, and even Bad seems eager to leave. However, Dream speaks up before I can go. "Hey, Sapnap? C'mere." 

I walk over to him the best I can and he hands me a bottle of water. "Here. Are you feeling okay?" Dream asks. "Yeah. I'm good," I reply. Why the fuck does he care? "Go get some rest, okay? Tomorrow will require a lot of focus," Dream says. I nod, and I turn to walk out. "Okay. Have a good day," I say. Dream doesn't reply. 

Once I get back to the dorm, everyone is showering, besides Schlatt. He lays on his bed, silently, and when I walk by him, he's staring at the floor. I sit on my bed, which is next to his, and I talk as gentle as I can without belittling him. "He shouldn't have done that. Are you okay?" I ask, looking my water in my hand; the water Dream gave me. I hand it to Schlatt, who obviously needs it more than me. He takes it, opens it, and drinks from it before he replies. "Y-Yeah, I'm... I'm okay. It's just... this is home. My home. I belong here, I love it here, but I feel so... so lost, I... I feel like a coward. I've been scared shitless of thd fucking Chasm since I was a baby. I used to cry when my mom brought me too close to it, and they'd taunt me with it to get me over my fear, and-" Schlatt pauses to release a shaky sigh. "I dunno why I'm telling you this. You probably hate me." 

I shake my head. "No, I don't hate you. I hate heights too, though. My mom, my sister... they fell and died from a fall, but... they think it was a murder or a suicide. I hate them too. I hate how Dream did that. He's so nice to me, but... to you... I have no idea why he's like that. But I'm here for you, okay?" I say with a smile. Schlatt smiles too. "You're real kind, Sapnap," He says. 

After that, I end up falling asleep for about two hours or so. Once I wake up, everyone's off doing their own thing, so I'm able to shower without everyone screaming about dropping the soap. As I'm drying my hair in the mirror, I sigh softly. I've had this same lousy hair color my entire life and it gets progressively more boring. I run a finger along my well-kept brow, thinking it would look good with a slit, perhaps a piercing ay some point. I've demonstrated that I can be Dauntless in behavioral ways, so maybe it's time I start looking the part. 

I leave the dorm in fresh clothes to go to the pit again, stopping in a shop that sells cosmetics and other hygiene products that are more for beauty. With the help of the pink-haired shop attendant, I purchase jet black hair dye, plastic gloves to protect my hands from the dye, and an eyebrow grooming kit. With my newly purchased items, I head back to the dorm to dye my hair. 

The dye is cold, messy, and gets everywhere, so I have to clean as I go. I massage the dye into my scalp, then I allow it to sit for the recommended half an hour. While I wait for it to set, I begin reshaping and cleaning up my eyebrows, carefully making a perfect slit in my left brow. I admire my work and smile. It looks better than I thought. 

Once the dye is set, I rinse it in the shower, even though I just showered. The water runs into the drain of the bathroom stall-like shower, which is divided from the other by a plastic wall. As soon as I finish washing my hair, I dry it again and look into the mirror. I still look the same, but I look rejuvenated and more alive. This isn't Nicholas Stavros, this is Sapnap. This is a new person, and this new person is so much more than the old Nick, who already seems so far away. 

At dinner that evening, Skeppy gawks at the changes ("SAPNAP, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO YOUR FACE?!") but everyone else gives approving nods and George says it makes me look cool. Karl says I look... pretty. Pretty? I've never been called pretty before, but I'll take it. I catch Dream staring, but I choose to focus on Bad's, "Oh my goodness, you little muffin head! George is right, you look so cool!", rather than Dream's staring. 

Maybe I can carry on after all, even if I spill my guts during long runs. Maybe I'm not so weak after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating. i have so much shit goin on bro. also i was going to make this like 10 chapters max but it'll likely be closer to 15 lol. we'll see


End file.
